A Step-By-Step Guide to Dealing with Your Pun Obsession
STEP 0: PUNCH THE MACHINE
Punning is not a punishable offence, so punch the machine. Pun to no end. Be the pundit of punch-worthy puns. You need to punk everyone before anything else.
STEP 1: ADMITTING THERE'S A PROBLEM
It may be hard to come to terms with the fact that you have a problem. "What? Problem? That's PRO-LAME!" may be something that comes to your mind when faced with the dilemma. You possibly lack the self-awareness (willingly or unwillingly) to realise there's something wrong - because no, the last person to cringe away at your well thought out pun/joke didn't just secretly like it and pretend not to. Here are some symptoms to watch out for:
Are all puns equal, with no good or bad pun?
Do you have no friends/do your friends hate you/your jokes/whenever you open your mouth? Do you often face disapproving glances, cringing, people wanting to hang themselves etc. while punning?
Do you find yourself punning in extremely serious situations - like funerals ("Dead folk are so down-to-earth, man"), or when the house is on fire ("Bro, my house is so lit right now"), or when you're getting mugged ("Don't take my phone, you phoney!")? This one's self-explanatory.
Do you say/do things for the pun? Or take words out of context for the pun? Example: Someone telling you about a teacher not caring about late students, and you angrily exclaim, "What the heck, a dead student is a serious matter!"
If the answer to any/all of the above is yes, we a have a problem.
STEP 2: ACTIVELY MONITORING YOURSELF
Now that we've established there's a problem, it's time to start watching out for the things you say inch out of the habit little by little. Take it slow. It's not that hard. You'll come out of this. It'll be a happy ending. A little bit of time, patience and a sense of humour is all it takes. Here's a guideline:
Avoid the clichés, for God's sake. Seriously, it's not punny. "That's what she said" jokes are not funny anymore either.
If you've been thinking up a pun in your head for more than 5 seconds, stop. It's probably bad.
Weigh the pros and cons: possible laughter or losing friends?
Go on a pun diet and hope it doesn't go like your regular food diets. We know the only cheat day you have in a week is the day you're not stuffing your face.
STEP 3: PUN-CTUATION
This step was only added to the article to highlight the degree of the problem yours truly suffers. Yeah, it can get THIS bad.
STEP 4: WITHDRAWAL
You can't help it. Barely a few seconds into your pun diet and your fingers twitch as you scroll through social media, a vast array of puns not cracked. You hungrily search the internet, desperate for distraction. You try to imagine it away, like the withdrawal is just some sort of fantasy, but you close your eyes and see a sea of orange instead, a "Fanta-sea". And you're drowning fast.
STEP 5: ACCEPTANCE
You typed in "pun" in your Facebook search bar, and have been flitting through pun memes for the last 39749374 hours. You decide to accept who you are, a petite Gemini, and like the horoscope, you reason that there is a Gem-in-I (you), making this okay. It doesn't matter if you're actually Cancer. Oh, but you are.
Because puns are life, making you lifeless without 'em.