How Your Mother Met Your Lover

Regardless of their repeated promises to accept anyone we love, mothers are genetically engineered to snoop around our love life and ensure that we are dating the people who meet their standards. I have met several victims of such intensive maternal spying, done in many fascinating ways, in order to find out whom their offspring is dating. Presenting a few instances so that you can protect yourself too:

Diaries and journals: It's 2016. I appreciate the sentiment that you still strictly maintain doodled diaries with flat, dry, tortured red roses stuck between its pages for artsy Instagram posts but unless you hide these in the darkest pits of your closet, your mom will find it and she will read it.

Being overly attached: If you really don't want anyone to find out about your relationship, then stop having them over at your house for ludo or monopoly and stick to the dank corners of Star Kabab. In a mother's mind, objectively any human of the opposite gender is a potential lover. Do you really need to stir the pot by physically presenting your actual lover to her?

Anthropomorphic aunties: If there is one thing middle-aged, unemployed anthropomorphic aunties find more interesting than Star Jalsha daily soaps, it is spilling news of seeing you with a person of the opposite gender on a rickshaw (cue "Janen bhabiii..."). By their skilled dramatisation, the latter scheme becomes as theatrical as the soaps they had given up to expose your true colours to your mother dearest.

Nosy relatives: They consider themselves as the fundamental pillars of protecting the reputation of the (extended) family. Wherever you go, whatever you do, they will be right there waiting for you – with their eagle eye vision. Then they will call your mother so that you don't disgrace the family by dating someone who is a little too skinny/ fat/ short/ dark for their liking. 

Social media: Facebook is a goldmine for spying on your kids. My mother has 4 Facebook accounts and every time she gets restricted or blocked, she opens a new one. You can get your boyfriend/girlfriend to block her (which is a genius trick I must admit) but what can you do if you don't know which one to block? Did you accept Obuz Sisu's (with a generic flower as profile picture) friend request last week? That probably was your girlfriend's mother.

Call log/chat log/text messages: These are such old school tricks. If your mother still gets away with these then you honestly deserve no privacy. Set crazy pattern locks, lock albums and messengers and cover your tracks. 

Befriending your ex: Evil exes can annihilate your goal of preserving the secrecy of your current relationship. Giving them access to your valuable details of love life may finally end up in mamarazzi knowing. 

I am assuming at some point in your coming of age years your mother might have tried to play the "cool mom" card and gotten you to give up the name of your significant other with minute details. The normal thing to do is tell your parent when you feel that you are ready, in the meantime feel free to use these mom-repellent dating advices.

Anupoma Joyeeta Joyee is a perpetually sleepy Law student who emotionally identifies with ducks and occasionally sets out on writing sprees. Feel free to rant to her at anupomajoyee@gmail.com