HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT

Are you worried about your weight? Frustrated after numerous futile attempts to make it to the gym? Well, you haven't tried EVERYTHING yet until you've turned to the warmth of your knowledgeable relatives for foolproof scientific remedies to losing weight. 

Baire na kheye bashay pet bhore khao, ojon barbe na"

I'm always out from 12 noon to 10 at night. I get hungry but my will to lose weight is stronger than a Baily Bridge; I avert from restaurants and cafes as much as I can and return straight home, drink two glasses of water and then have a small portion of bhaat and daal. Nevertheless, my Mum would yell, "Baire khele toh mota hobi na, tor maa raadhlei mota hoye jaash!" My vain attempts in conveying how I didn't eat out are warded off with an angry, "Mittha kotha bolbi na, mitthuk."

Mishti jatiyo khabar na kheye bhaat khao, ojon barbe na"

My eyes cannot squint any harder at this classic statement. Mum thinks I need to lose weight so she fends me off from anything remotely sugary but then calls me from the kitchen to have 3 more alu porotas. As for me, I'm left hanging between a paradoxical dilemma. Each bite of the porota then seems like a trick. What do I do? What is right?

Pani khao"

This goes without saying that water is a universal remedy to everything: headaches, weight loss, being late to work, your car breaking down, etc. What is plenty and free HAS to be the solution to all our problems. Before you know it, water might even elucidate poverty worldwide or may even resolve all this Brexit nonsense. Someone ought to patent water.

Porte bosh"

Sometimes when I wander off to my own whimsical land of random thoughts it hits me, my stomach looks like a double decker burger. I rant about how I can't fit in to my skinny jeans anymore and tell my mum about my elaborate plans of how I'm going to lose 5 pounds. She'd look at me and say, "Porte bosho. Shob thik hoye jabe."

Thanks, mom.

Facebook ghata bondho kor, ojon barbe na"

Needless to say, Facebook is the root of all evil. I've had my account deactivated for almost 3 months – why is it that the elevator still beeps indicating that too many people have entered when I'm the only one in it? Maybe I haven't been drinking enough water. Or maybe, I haven't been studying enough. 

After having attempted the methods as suggested by my mom and failing horribly, I've decided to give up and pursue my dreams, and my dreams took me to the pastry shop. Maybe a cheesecake is the answer to this weight loss business, who knows?

Maisha Maliha speaks what crosses her mind in the most positive way but is often misinterpreted and thought to be a lunatic. Unfollow her at www.facebook.com/MyshoeMaliha