FRIENDS WHO DESERVE THE UNFOLLOW BUTTON

TEHGOATLORD

Don't be these people (or be these people so I can get a good laugh). 
I'm postblocked for 30 days.
Pls send help.

1. GYM BROS
I think it's important to exercise and maintain a healthy lifestyle until the creatine supplements start hitting your brain. That's when you reach the point where your life is all about going to the gym and resting so you can go to the gym some more. These people will upload a barely-clothed gym selfie every day until their pectoral muscles are imprinted on your mind. The Gym Bro then starts to shame people who don't go to the gym with messages like "Your body is a temple and I am its priest," "The pain of loneliness is only momentary but the pain of insecurity stays forever," or something along those lines. You're left with two options: the message button asking your Gym Bro for directions to the gym, or the Unfollow button so you can enjoy your pack of chips. 

2. MY SIGNIFICANT OTHER IS LIFE
Everyone (except the Gym Bro) likes a good love story. Boy meets girl, girl loves boy, boy loves girl, girl gets an arranged marriage, boy goes to the gym, etc. But then you have people on your newsfeed who somehow manage to meet their significant others every day and not only that, they have a selfie for each day. It's the same picture with different backgrounds. Knowing Dhaka city, even the backgrounds start looking the same after a point but only a look of pain starts creeping into the expression of one half of the couple. Pro-tip: Make a time-lapse of their selfies so you can see that slow look of pain develop in a relationship. Send us the gif. 

3. THE SHARE HYPOCRITE
We all have that one friend who loves metaphors that involve women, candy and candy wrappers. In fact, they love them so much that they can't help but share the tech-age metaphor involving women, smartphone and smartphone covers. That friend might also have a penchant for Robert Mugabe quotes that may or may not be accurate. Nonetheless, you'd think that this person would have a moral compass that always points north when you're talking to them. But wait! What's this picture he just shared? It's an NSFW picture of Crystal Hefner from her husband's page. Oh my. 

4. OMG I READ BOOKS!!! 
You know what I love? An Instagram filter-heavy picture of a page that I have no idea about. What sort of sad misery will Jane Eyre face next? Will all her family die again? Will she drink a cup of tea with crumpets?! I HAVE NO IDEA, COME ON. Give me something to work with, man. You read books, you're a smart cookie, help me out. Tell me more about these books you read. I bet they're super interesting which is why they have 2 (sympathy) likes. It's so rare to find people who read books nowadays. It's almost like over a million books aren't published every year. Also, thank you for letting us know that you're an introvert. Would've never guessed if not for those memes you share.

5. BABY PICTURES 24/7
It might be your baby, it might be your sister's baby, it might be your cousin's baby or it might be some stranger's. Doesn't matter. Share those pictures right now. Your profile picture is a face of a baby, you share random Bangla memes that tell crude jokes through babies and your cover photo is the naked bottom of several babies. If this was any other country, you'd be on several police lists. Fortunately, you're just on this list. 

6. PEOPLE WHO SHARE HOROSCOPES UNIRONICALLY
"Capricorns are selfish in nature but will do everything for the ones they love."
"The planets have aligned today to tell you exactly what you want to hear today."
Writing a horoscope isn't tough (flip back to Page 2) and anyone can write them (flip back to Page 2). If the stars and planets dictated how we are as people then we'd need a completely new galaxy for people like Hitler, Stalin and your female progenitor. Whatever floats your astral boat, man. 

7. CAFFEINE IS LIFE
All day, every day, this person uploads pictures of their tea, coffee or places that serve caffeine of any kind. Their Pablo Escobar level obsession with the stimulant is only matched by their obsessive sharing of the fact they love caffeine. They're the special snowflakes among 150 million people who consume tea or coffee daily.  

8. MY PICTURES OF BOTTLES DISGUISE MY LONELINESS
I don't know why my editor asked me to add this bit. People tend to like my pictures of glass bottles. It's a great hobby to upload them on Instagram before emptying them. My colleagues said something about crippling loneliness but I don't know what that has to do with anything. Don't they, like, follow me on Facebook? I have friends. Lots of them. All 1412 of them. 

TehGoatLord is the founder of Rantages and he has grown used to your hatred. Send him some more hate to tehgoatlord@rantages.com.