Cruising solo at a wedding
Nobody likes being the stray cat at a wedding who only takes selfies, since they're a stranger to everybody but perhaps the happy couple. However, with the mere thought of kacchi and unlimited free coffee, we eventually give in.
TURN IT INTO A SOCIAL EXPERIMENT
These weddings are a good time to brush up your communication skills and experiment with pickup lines. Wedding are swarming with beautiful eligible patris all clad in their best sarees and all the makeup they own. Take your pick on a cake faced sister of the bride and let your creativity soar. "Are you wearing a saree? Because you will be saree if you don't go out with me", or perhaps, "In that lahenga, you put the 'desi' in 'desirable'" Even if she curses your 14 gushti and walks away, she'll never find you again, since you're basically a ghost, and you can move on to the rest of the 200 sisters in the bride and groom's extended families. Make sure not to hit on the same person twice, they tend to look identical in matching outfits and foundation-caked faces. Beware of their high heels and the glass of borhani they're holding.
RESPOND TO THE KACCHI'S CALLING
Who really cares about making the bride and groom feel important by attending their wedding? They have a room full of 5000 people for that. You're here for the kacchi. Since kacchi is the sole purpose of making an appearance, make sure to devour it as much as you can. Go for two, three or even four batches of dinner. Nobody knows you, nobody cares. Nobody frowns upon your bhuri bulging out of that suit. Find a different crowd every time and pick different tables. Just be aware of the waiter identifying you as the cause of the shortage of roast.
BECOME AN URBAN LEGEND
Since you did make an appearance at the wedding, why not leave behind memories for people to ponder upon later. Photobomb as many aunty group pictures and the teenager duckface selfies as you can. Gently walk by as a random couple does the Titanic pose in front of the decorations. This way when they're watching wedding pictures, they'll all grow bald spots trying to figure out who you are. Even years from now, you'll be remembered as the enigmatic man no one knows, inexplicably appearing in every single picture. Who wouldn't want to turn into an urban legend?
Why let all your efforts of dressing up go to waste? Find one of those photographers and click away a couple hundred potential Instagram pictures.
CARRY A PORTABLE PHONE CHARGER
Nobody really cares where you are and what you're doing. So these weddings are a good time to catch up on your favorite TV shows and binge watch "Prison Break" perhaps. Find a good corner, by one of those rotating fans and let your phone screen consume your attention completely.
Samin Sabah Islam is on a quest to find the perfect diet while simultaneously drooling over pizza. Throw her some tips at sabahsamin11@gmail.com