How to “Casually” Third Wheel
There are days when you see people around you all getting into relationships while you are single, whether or not by choice. Those are the days, if you play your cards just right as described below, when you can successfully weasel yourself into a couple's nest and stay there with purpose.
The Ghotok
Being the matchmaker opens up a lot of opportunities for you. If you are even a half-decent human being, you will probably not be making any money from this but you can possibly get yourself a lot of free food starting from day 1. You can waltz in on the first date and just stick around. Text them saying you are there to “diffuse the initial tension.” Moreover, everything they do together from there on reflects on your ghotok-ing skills. To constantly supervise them is indeed your business. If the dates miraculously go well and things start to set in motion, you, my friend, are in for a lot of treats, possibly with them both sitting with you and showering you with gratitude.
They went on another date? Treat!
They're getting married? Treat!x100
The Couple-therapist
It's okay even if your friends found someone for themselves without your help; you can still squeeze yourself in. You just have to reach out to one of your friends and convince him/her that something fishy is definitely going on. You, being the expert on love you are, just need a “closer look” into his/her significant other to pinpoint it. That translates to you being there for everything. But remember, you have to constantly revalidate your reasons for being ever present. Did they dare to go out on one date without you? Call up the friend, ask him/her to detail everything. Point out any minor error (or just “sense” something wrong) and say, “You know what? That probably wouldn't have happened if I were there.”
The Puppy-eyed Manifestation of Sadness
Instructions: Walk by targeted couple and sigh, “I wish I wasn't so alone.” When they look at you, give them a long lingering stare, not in the creepy way, but in the depressed dying kind of way, the one that evokes pity not repulsion. Pro-tip: You could try smudging a little purple lipstick under your eyes to fake dark circles and a dark life. Remember to look cute, be nice, behave, and hope they decide to adopt you. Once they do, you have to fill them in on stories of love lost and how you just really need someone(s) to take care of your broken soul, even if said someone(s) is/are out on a date.
The One with the Background
If you still can't fit in between a couple, you could always try blending in instead. The goal is to be as inconspicuous as humanly possible while being ever-present. Aim for faded wallpaper. The key to succeeding in this is to always have the confused Bambi kind of look while trailing behind the couple. If ever questioned, say something along the lines of “A third wheel? What's that?” and blink innocently a few times.
There you have it. This comprehensive play-by-play guide, if observed properly, will aid you in comfortably (and hopefully, without arousing much suspicion) being a third wheel until your quest for the fourth wheel is fulfilled. May you be one with couples.