This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Guavas and Apples every day, doctors riot.



TAURUS

Uranium is like water, much more useful when purified.



GEMINI

Iberia is the peninsula Korea wants to be, but can't.



CANCER

Teletubbies have their heads shaved at a very early age.



LEO

Arnold, can you Schwarznegger?



VIRGO

Royal weddings mean some of us aren't royal, and that's not good.



LIBRA

Guitar George may know all the chords, but did he ever make a hundred at Lord's?



SCORPIO

Ezequiel Lavezzi would have run more, but Gonzalo didn't let him.



SAGITTARIUS

Olive branches are held out but swatted away by people like you.



CAPRICORN

Rain me a river, Dhaka.



AQUARIUS

Glory to the one, who is me in no way but shape or form.



PISCES

Evil lies in the armpits of men on buses.