This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Telephones and later, jelly cones.



TAURUS

Esteban, did you put the stuff away?



GEMINI

Lies can only get so far, until you do worse.



CANCER

Love is in the air, water and soil. Be aware.



LEO

Motorists on the streets of Dhaka, sad.



VIRGO

Ether would have existed if we weren't so mean to it.



LIBRA

Silicon is a semi conductor, like Iniesta was a Messi conductor.



SCORPIO

Of idiotic ramblers, I have much to ramble about.



SAGITTARIUS

No one quite bends it like Juninho Pernambucano, even Beckham.



CAPRICORN

Wishful thinking and wistful eyes, I am stuck.



AQUARIUS

Hedge funds don't fund hedges and no one is mad about it.



PISCES

Youth is fleeting, old man. Old age is permanent, until it's not.