This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Sporadic bouts of sadness lead to a healthy lifestyle.



TAURUS

Agamemnon didn't know it'd end up this way.



GEMINI

Nine inch nails are impractically long.



CANCER

Dorothy was right but Alex, you need to fix your hair.



LEO

West Bromwich Albion gives you palpitation, and it's warranted.



VIRGO

It may take a long time for you to understand but.



LIBRA

Crimea is surprisingly small.



SCORPIO

Hugo liked fries a lot until he became Huge.



SAGITTARIUS

Eskimos hug you when they're warm because you're that cold.



CAPRICORN

Saline water is unfit for drinking, saline people for love.



AQUARIUS

You tell me, man. What ARE we doing?



PISCES

As far as you're concerned, no.