This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Able bodied men and women need to sit up and turn down the AC/fan because it's getting cold.



TAURUS

More teenagers are turning out to be responsible young citizens, like the ones reading this line.



GEMINI

A big thing has appeared near you, move before you are crushed.  



CANCER

Remus and Romulus were twin brothers, they built a village, then invited others. 



LEO

Never let someone tell you what to do unless it's someone smart because you're not.



VIRGO

Ultimate pleasure awaits those who can hold back a sneeze successfully. Try it. 



LIBRA

"Nobody knows the fumbles I've seen"- Taskin Ahmed on Bangladeshi fielders.  



SCORPIO

Universal truths are slightly truer than Galactic truths, followed by Earthly truths which are just lies. 



SAGITTARIUS

Superman is the same as Perman, but with an extra Su. 



CAPRICORN

Ominous are the signs if predicates in your sentences you put before subjects.  



AQUARIUS

Dim the lights and turn on the music because I don't like what I see or what I hear.



PISCES

Opacity in Ghosts is a feature that only first appeared in 1967, thanks to air pollution.