This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Melted chocolate can be lethal if put in the right place. 



TAURUS

Unperturbed by jests, the fat man walked on. Because cardio works. 



GEMINI

"So you think you can lance" would have been THE reality show in medieval Europe. 



CANCER

Little by little, the light inside you dies. Forget to pay your electric bill?



LEO

I wish there was a better way to say this but there are things you want but aren't good enough for. 



VIRGO

My belief is that the earth is flat. It's a vinyl spinning around in space, one that plays Ali Gster songs. 



LIBRA

Tigers aren't that impressive. I mean, stripes aren't awfully trendy. 



SCORPIO

Excited for the impending arrival of a season? Are you sure you can trust the sun?



SAGITTARIUS

Roses would lose nine out of ten fights against marigolds. 



CAPRICORN

Revolution is just around the corner, but the world is round so….



AQUARIUS

Obesity is a state of mind. It is a medical condition foremost, but also a state of mind.



PISCES

Results day is the best day for self discovery. Are you stupid, or useless? Let's find out.