This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Take a 5 minute break before every sentence you speak.



TAURUS

How many kinds of blackness do you know?



GEMINI

Count the lines on your palms. Double the number, subtract 37. Magic.



CANCER

Name one place which makes you both rich and poor. The answer is always the ATM.



LEO

No movie will win the Oscars this year.



VIRGO

The 'R' on your car gear stands for 'Race' mode. Try it.



LIBRA

Trick your parents into believing that Gmail is superior to the email.



SCORPIO

How many sides does your cubicle have?



SAGITTARIUS

Blueberry cheesecake did nothing wrong. Forgive her.



CAPRICORN

If you're losing hair, it's probably because you're going bald. Or vice versa.



AQUARIUS

Jimmy Neutron has a twin and a half-sister. Can you guess their names?



PISCES

Pat yourself if you think everything that happens in the world, happens inside you too.