This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Greetings with words are no longer adequate. Curtsy from now on.



TAURUS

Arrhythmia is no joke. A tilapia, however, is a fish. 



GEMINI

Young and restless? Tired of being yourself? Try being an egg. 



CANCER

If Oliver Kahn's ears were nothing special, does that make Oliver Wood a sad Keeper? 



LEO

Sitting by the window looking at the moon, I produced a noise and a smell. 



VIRGO

Algebra is like petty drama, you think you left it back at school but it keeps following you around.



LIBRA

Letters like W and Y don't get the credit they deserve.  



SCORPIO

Low blood pressure is way cooler than high blood pressure. 



SAGITTARIUS

On the subject of bottoms, we are all divided.  



CAPRICORN

Would you rather have three of something you should have two of, or have none at all? 



AQUARIUS

Equilibrium will soon be achieved in the universe, but do we want it?  



PISCES

Deep inside the Amazon, there are places as bright as your future.