This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Why do you think "bottle" is a funny word? 



TAURUS

Always mention the street orientation in your CV.



GEMINI

Ask for Maximum if you want 1 litre of water.



CANCER

You might get paid to write for newspapers like this. Might. 



LEO

Go to the doctor and get all memories of John Cena removed from your head.



VIRGO

The more birthdays you celebrate, the longer you'll live.   



LIBRA

What keeps fallin' on your head?  



SCORPIO

Jumping on the sun won't take you to "Dancing with the Stars".



SAGITTARIUS

Did you know? No, you did knot. 



CAPRICORN

Open our mouth so that your soul might leave. 



AQUARIUS

Turn the pages of the album and tell me what you see. 



PISCES

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