This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Create a war council for every problem you face.



TAURUS

A bird in hand is better than two in the bush that did 7/11.  



GEMINI

The nature of war is constant. 



CANCER

Cluster bombs are illegal but custard bombs aren't. 



LEO

That's not the only 9 millimetre on me. Wink wink.   



VIRGO

Mosin-nougats are incredibly tasty.



LIBRA

Take your T-43 out for donuts at 300 feet.



SCORPIO

No scoping is not actually that bad of an idea.



SAGITTARIUS

A battle-axe is an excellent tool for the dinner table.  



CAPRICORN

Why did Ivan the Terrible have no friends? Because he was flay-ky.



AQUARIUS

Jet fighters are the future of transportation.



PISCES

In the event of a nuclear armageddon, stock up on power banks.