THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE

Aries

Every broken memory will know that you are a miser.

Taurus

Still not sure about your brogues? Don't be.

Gemini

How can you be so rude? 

Cancer

Your star sign is literally a meme. How do you feel?

Leo

I'm not gonna tell you your future. I ain't a crystal ball. 

Virgo

Give me your wedding card. Now. 

Libra

Do NOT cash me ousside anymore. Use cheques. 

Scorpio

Jolly good show, lad. You should be in the circus. 

Sagittarius

Work out if you want to get Lay's. 

Capricorn

That doesn't mean you can do anything you want. 

Aquarius

Keep your coin purse full, and your heart fuller. 

Pisces

Can I please catch a break? I don't like doing this anymore.