THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE

Aries

Drink a bottle of liquid chewing gum. 

Taurus

Open your desk to find the best tennis balls in town. 

Gemini

Every time you fall, I laugh.

Cancer

Watch your wooden watch chuck wood.

Leo

Rush into the nearest department store screaming "LEROY JENKINS!"

Virgo

Please just Virgo away

Libra

Your favourite football club will hire your neighbourhood tong-wala. 

Scorpio

Take off your chainmail armour and throw it at the Orcs. 

Sagittarius

If you play Chromie, you need to go to your room and think about what you're doing.

Capricorn

I see little people have already taken over your cap.

Aquarius

Stop being so selfish and share your bottle caps. 

Pisces

We are not fish. Stop trying to catch us.