THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE

Aries

Your peanut will get larger. Make sure to avoid allergic reactions.

Taurus

While crossing the road, make sure to protect the seat of your pants.

Gemini

Go to a kebab shop kitchen with your family. Stare into the coal and say "It's lit, fam."

Cancer

The vape nation's ambassador will call you for a quick meeting. Don't rip your trips.​

Leo

Eating with 4 hands is faster than eating with 1.​

Virgo

Your eyes will water. Make sure the seeds are planted well before that.​

Libra

Watch a Brazil vs Portugal match. Be sure to snigger at the scoreboard. ​

Scorpio

If you like eating squid, know that a wet spider is practically the same thing.​

Sagittarius

A long stick still hurts no matter how smooth it is. ​

Capricorn

Your 6th sense's flower will bloom this summer. Beware of premature deflowering. ​

Aquarius

Make 8 equal sized cups. Now sniff them. Yes, just like that. Mm.​

Pisces

Get a job, man.​