THIS WEEK'S HORRORSCOPE

Aries

The Weeknd's new album is pretty good. Listen to it.

Taurus

Not sure if Ox or Buffalo.

Gemini

Let me lift your spirits. Wingardium Leviosa! 

Cancer

Oh I'm not sure if that haircut suits you.

Leo

Stop eating Paach Takar Pattice.

Virgo

Go to a hill and gaze at the stars. Just do it.

Libra

You will drop your cellphone today. 

Scorpio

Hanging out is too mainstream. Stay in. Read a good book. 

Sagittarius

Those neon green shoes aren't a bad idea. 

Capricorn

Learn the dragon shouts from Skyrim and use them on random people.

Aquarius

All these clocks but you still couldn't give me time. 

Pisces

Stop thinking about yourself all the time. Donate your PS4.