This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

Wet handkerchiefs are better than moist ones.

TAURUS

Heavy metal won't fill the void of light gasses.

GEMINI

Oranges may answer difficult questions this week.

CANCER

Attack your exam papers with gusto.

LEO

Again, the moose didn't come here for your love.

VIRGO

Road rage won't fix your problems with your girlfriend.

LIBRA

Shape of You is the elevator music at restaurants.

SCORPIO

Engineers can't fix your heart, but they can fix computers.

SAGITTARIUS

Blow on the hot food because otherwise you can't put it in your mouth.

CAPRICORN

Ulster is a part of Ireland. You are a part of my life.

AQUARIUS

Red rabbits don't exist, stop looking.

PISCES

No, I won't say it. You can't make me.