This Week's Horrorscope

ARIES

There is a time and place for everything except your incessant recording for social media stories.

TAURUS

Your EDM career may have been short-lived, but you should keep it alive online. It's funny.

GEMINI

Due to popular demand, Gemini will have no future this week.

CANCER

Surprise your parents this week by staying in bed all day on Tuesday too.

LEO

Attempts to run away from your problems will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

VIRGO

Your cat loves you. Maybe. 50/50.

LIBRA

Thought your new phone could do everything but love you? You thought wrong.

SCORPIO

No one is going to like your new favourite show.

SAGITTARIUS

Avoid making life decisions based off of the vague suggestions from questionable sources.

CAPRICORN

It's not your camera. It's you.

AQUARIUS

They will definitely swindle you this week.

PISCES

The events of this week will be nearly identical to all the other events of your life to this point.