THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
For success have a little woman sing in an exotic language over a mad cellist's composition.

TAURUS
To not seem like a noob at spelling, always remember: 'I' before 'E', except after 'C'.

GEMINI
For always having acceptable music tastes, say "I listened to a few demos." Your move, hipsters.

CENCER
If paan addicts towed cars would they form a new addiction, tearing their family apart?

LEO
How can you call yourself a graphic designer if you don't play with dolls? Get on my level!

VIRGO
Your lucky media player this week is KMPlayer. Doubleclick to pause and MMB to fullscreen.

LIBRA
If a gun is made of cloth, and it shoots hugs, then who kills people? Guns or people?

SCORPIO
Your trip will be laden with hairy situations, and by situations I mean expectant people.

SAGITTARIUS
Your boss will put you in embarrassing scenarios in the presence of that girl you like.

CAPRICON
If I take away your bones and your skin, you're nothing but a slug-man who can't dodge bullets.

AQUARIUS
The mole people will finally outsource their tunnelling contract to your hole digging start-up.

PISCES
Your employee will try to get back at you by making a fool of himself in front of your wife.