THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
You remind people of Donald Trump's comb over. 

TAURUS
You're about to acquire the ability of turning your head 360 degrees. Go on, have a go.

GEMINI
You're the Moglai porota that leads to dysentery. You'll be blamed but never regretted. 

CENCER
Good things happen to good people. You are good, but are you people?

LEO
Your friends are lucky to have you. Next to you, they'll always look more impressive.

VIRGO
It's time to lose that imaginary friend when even they start asking for some alone time.  

LIBRA
What are your thoughts on mutton chops? It's time you pondered. 

SCORPIO
There is a fine line between being repulsive and revolting. You are that line.  

SAGITTARIUS
If you crashed a wedding, they'd stop it because no one wants to get married if you're still single.   

CAPRICON
Wondering why people laugh at you? It's probably because you're still wondering.

AQUARIUS
Potato chips dampen if kept out too long. Hope you can relate.

PISCES
Have you ever wondered how amazing it'd be if they didn't invent shoes?