THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
A surprising number of penguins will dictate your week.

TAURUS
Introspective reflection will reveal that it is indeed a kidney ulcer.

GEMINI
An immigrant will take your job, make it better and give it back to you.

CENCER
Developments in your love life will be very interesting to the police.

LEO
You will reap the rewards of another person's lunchbox.

VIRGO
Avoid cynics this week. Why not start a dog food cart?

LIBRA
Drink only mineral water because you really need to grow some stones.

SCORPIO
Synchronized undressing is not a competitive sport but it is satisfying.

SAGITTARIUS
Enough time has passed for Sidney Sheldon to be enjoyed ironically.

CAPRICON
Limp Bizkit however can't be enjoyed at all.

AQUARIUS
You will overdose on festivals and spend December shut-in, bored and depressed.

PISCES
Nothing of note will happen to you.