THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
A mean man will build a railroad through your house and not even give you maple syrup.

TAURUS
You'll find chopsticks hidden in the air vents in your room.

GEMINI
Metal surfboards are the best because they cut right through malicious water snakes.

CENCER
When I play twister I use the Magic Conch Shell to guide us. Our play mat is weird.

LEO
Everybody has a story and they're all better than yours. This statement stands the test of time.

VIRGO
Keep magnets in your pocket for good luck. They will lead you in the right direction. HAH!

LIBRA
Sure ISS is horrible but who do you think has a more aesthetic body? Me or Chris Hadfield?

SCORPIO
Armed ninjas will invade your classroom and shred all the group projects on the walls.

SAGITTARIUS
1% of all otters are devil otters, a distant relative of the chicken that lays devilled eggs.

CAPRICON
You will be held up by a veggie vendor brandishing a particularly sharp and deadly carrot.

AQUARIUS
You will find it harder to get people to believe your poorly phrased truths than your casual lies.

PISCES
The janitor's closet turns into an ice cream store every time it is locked from the outside.