THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
You are the reason people share cow selfies on the internet. 

TAURUS
Will you make me an offer I can't refuse? I need to sell my soul but the market's slow.

GEMINI
What's that gross thing on your feet? You?

CENCER
People fall in love with you for your money. Don't have money? Well, that explains everything.

LEO
Yo mama's biriyani so good they made it in a cooking show, shot on a beach in Thailand.

VIRGO
Your life is a tacky Bollywood movie waiting to be made.

LIBRA
You're like a British swearword. Creative, ugly, fascinating and offensive to humanity. 

SCORPIO
I saw you the other day doing something I know you regret. Send me money.

SAGITTARIUS
You win an Oscar gold medal for economics in the line of duty. No one likes you. 

CAPRICON
Would you swim in a lake full of you? I know I would.

AQUARIUS
Whatever it is that you're doing, you can't do it. Unless you have a tail. IT'S LIKE AN EXTRA LIMB.

PISCES
Next time someone tries to mug you, mug them back. That'll teach them. And you.