THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
Your father's moustache wax will be found on your bed.

TAURUS
Your bovine attitude towards life will win you few friends, but you get to eat your food twice!

GEMINI
That feeling you get that there's someone out there, exactly like you, is completely unjustified.

CENCER
Your subscription to Photos of Men in Moist Clothing Monthly will become public knowledge.

LEO
Your hunger for life will result in you waking up to find several dead lambs in your room.

VIRGO
Ask John Cena.

LIBRA
A large delivery of various cheeses will arrive at your doorstep, unannounced.

SCORPIO
You will make new friends this week, out of bits of cardboard, glue and whiteboard markers. Hang in there, buddy.

SAGITTARIUS
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag? You do? Oh. I didn't expect you to say yes.

CAPRICON
My father is a plastic bag.

AQUARIUS
Ask your friend if he is feeling particularly gelatinous today. If he stops to think, run.

PISCES
Your world will be in a million pieces. Or should I say... pisces? Eh? Eh? Eh?