THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
Keep tweeting at Kanye until he responds. It'll happen.

TAURUS
Wear a blonde toupee like Trump. That should impress her.

GEMINI
Always carry a bodna. You'll always need it.

CENCER
Do domestic horses have stable relationships?

LEO
If you listen to Taylor Swift for 6 hours today, your crush will acknowledge your existence tomorrow.

VIRGO
Not showering for a week shall bring you luck.

LIBRA
Watch out for the man in the denim shirt.

SCORPIO
It's a good idea to wear a shower cap to university today.

SAGITTARIUS
That dark shadow that appears in your room every night isn't really a shadow.

CAPRICON
Why won't you love yourself?

AQUARIUS
Lick the pavement for good fortune. Avoid the cracks.

PISCES
The next song you listen to will define your life. Choose wisely.