THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE

ARIES
Jason Voorhees is behind you. 

TAURUS
Take note of the dank meme on the fish.  

GEMINI
What is your name, boy? Are you my Gameboy?

CENCER
I close at the open.

LEO
You do not deserve the last biscotti.  

VIRGO
Energy drinks are not your forte. 

LIBRA
Nobody wants to hear about your problems. 

SCORPIO
Watch out for banana peels falling from the sky. 

SAGITTARIUS
Find the lady of the tuna. She shall bring you luck.

CAPRICON
Please come take a bath now. With me. 

AQUARIUS
I heard you can't make your elbows touch. 

PISCES
There is much fun to be had in gutibaaji.