FORMING YOUR VERY OWN BOY BAND
Requirements for Recruitment
The first thing you need is five fresh teen boys, preferably British.
1. A hot rebellious one. He's usually the heartthrob.
2. A moody sensitive one.
3. Someone who'll do nothing but stand in the background and go "yeah, baby" occasionally.
4. A thug.
5. A fat one who'll pretend to be the "talent" of the bunch.
(None of them should be able to play any musical instrument.)
Naming the Band
It is of utmost importance that your boy band has a name that will attract prepubescent girls and bored mothers with access to YouTube. We've done our research (by research we mean we've stalked the Tumblrs of several 15 year old girls), and we've come to the conclusion that names like "lol5", "Nextlife", "VSync" and "Juan Direction" are in vogue. Just make sure the fans can think of something to call themselves. Like The Mamaz.
Songwriting and Composing
We can't possibly trust the members with the lyrics, and lyrics are very important. More so than you think. From the right amounts of "oh oh oh" to the precise number of "baby" in a chorus, everything has to be perfect. Considering our target audience has a combined attention-span of a hamster, the chorus has to be as generic as it gets. If you can't remember the words after one listen, you're doing it wrong.
(We already made a track-list for you to copy-paste. It's not like anybody will notice, right?)
But what if your band members suck at singing? Auto-tune. What if one of them has a sore throat? Auto-tune. What if Paul's sneezing all over the place? Auto-tune the sneezes.
It should be noted that we're dealing mostly with tweens who spend their free time writing questionable fan-fiction of the rebellious hot kind. Hence going for songs like "I can't get a girl" or "I thought you were mine" or "We R Having So Much Fun Ryt Now" in the early stages of the band's career is a smart move. Later, throw in a deep melodramatic acoustic song about how they can't fly somewhere far away already. Away from the sadness. Away from the goddamn girl who does nothing in the entire music video.
The Music Video
This is where the magic happens. We'll have to make sure there's some sort of beach or swimming pool or anything with water in it. The band needs to play in that water for a substantial amount of run time, wearing soaked shirts, preferably white. They also need to lip synch while making eye contact with inanimate objects. The girl who does nothing is a must. We also need an expensive car somewhere there that will tell us that our boys are not only good looking but also rich as hell.
But most importantly, they need to have the moves. Which brings us to...
Generic Dance Moves the Members Have to Master
This will work for both music videos and live shows. Here's a few moves that we found to be popular:
1. The one where his hands are bunched onto his chest, feeling the pain, as he frees them violently when the chorus starts.
2. The one where everybody jumps at the same time with irresistible delight after playing tag with each other in a secluded area with scenic mountains in the background.
3. The one where one of them raises his hands to the sky and then punches the air with every "we got this" moment in the song.
Forming an Image for Your Band
The private lives of every member should be monitored with tenacity that'll make even the NSA blush. Teenage girls should be led to believe that they actually have a chance with one of the guys, so it's important they all remain perpetually single. That means driving away potential girlfriends with every weapon in your arsenal, like money, or lawsuits, or memes. Have the boys wear chastity rings and make sure they show them off every chance they get. Get each of them a different type of pet to pander to all kinds of animal-lovers, and PETA. The boy-next-door look is paramount. Have them constantly tweet pictures of themselves doing mundane things like eating cereal or random stuff like "mismatching socks lol". The cat-owner has to post pictures of his cat every day (This should be in his contract). All this will have fans screaming "They're just like us!" and create a generation of girls with delusional standards and disgruntled boys starting emo bands.
Hanging on by a Thread
Inevitably your band's popularity will crumble and the next insufferable trend will take over. One of the members of your boy band will "go to the dark side" and start a lacklustre rap career, or one of them will come out of his, err, wardrobe. When all desperate attempts to get attention and staying relevant fails, you know for sure you're done. Disband them. Let them go solo.
go to the dark side' and start a lacklustre rap career, or one of them will come out of his, err, wardrobe. When all desperate attempts to get attention and staying relevant fails, you know for sure you're done. Disband them. Let them go solo.
Reunion
Get a cult. Make them preach the awesomeness of the band in obscure internet forums every day for 25 years. After that, when enough time has passed for them to cash in on nostalgia, the boys will make a comeback. If you're lucky it'll go on for another 5-6 years. If you're not, then it'll just be a lousy concert in the memory of the thug one who died of something we aren't allowed to type, followed by a lengthy sermon by the hot rebellious one who is now a beautiful pastor.