In Melancholy

Shahran found it hard to distract himself. He tried making eye contact with her but she wouldn't look back. She was sitting on a table with the rest of her friends, laughing away at a joke they were sharing.

Maybe I should just go home for today.

It was the middle of his midterm exams and he still had so much on his mind. He still didn't get up from his seat in the library. All the while stealing glances at her. 

I could just talk to her and clear things out between us. But she already said that it was alright and she was just confused about her feelings.

He looked down at his book and thought about their last conversation on Facebook. Before she said it wouldn't work out between them.

"I love you to the moon and back," he sent

"I love you beyond that," she replied.

Shahran got up then and packed up his things. The words kept echoing in his head as he made his way out the library.

But why would she even say that…?

He didn't say goodbye to her.

Now, the exams had ended and school was out for a month. It was almost time for Christmas too, when Dhaka would get really chilly during the evenings and people would go out for pithas and such. Maybe going out with someone you loved and sharing a moment together.

Stop thinking about her.

Shahran was lying on his bed and staring blankly at the ceiling. He had just gotten off the phone with his best friend Arman. He was the only person to know everything that had happened since the beginning. 

"I'm just saying I can't stay like this, Arman," said Shahran

"I'm not saying you have to. Go up and talk to her and straighten things out. Tell her you still have feelings for her and—"

"What? No! Are you out of your mind? I do that and the only bond we have, will shatter. I'm trying to appear strong for her sake."

Arman stayed quiet on the other end. 

"I keep remembering that conversation," said Shahran and maybe, just maybe, he felt tears welling in his eyes.

I love you to the moon and back

"I'm sorry to say this, bud. You have to move on. I don't understand why she would say that to you if she doesn't have any feelings for you. But all I know is this, anything else she says later on will just hurt you."

What if that's what I really want? So that I find a reason to hate her...

"Yeah I know," Shahran suddenly felt tired. "Hey, Arman, I'll call you back later, alright? I'm feeling a bit tired, honestly."

…but I never will. 

"Yeah of course. I'm here if you need me," he replied

Shahran hung up and let out a deep breath. He went through his messages and checked their conversation. She had messaged her why he was so quiet and if everything was alright. He replied he was just feeling a bit ill and that's all, he left it at that. He didn't bother checking if she had replied.

You have to let go.

He picked up his guitar and started to sing. Slowly strumming and finding his own beat.

What if you can't ever let go...

I love you beyond that…

"But it's time to face the truth,"

His fingers slowly plucked the strings as he sang the last line, "I will never be, 

with you."

Shahran closed his eyes and let his fingers rest on the strings. 

  

The writer is an A level student of SFX Greenherald International School