BEING A SUPERVILLAIN

The world's got enough villains as it is. The extant population of villains are depressing and gutless. All they do is sneakily steal things and then when they are found out they threaten or snuff out a significantly weaker existence than their own using excessive force. They never go head to head with their equals. That's pathetic and sad. I don't want to live in a world like that. I'm taking a step towards a better future with this and I hope you do too!

Evil dudes in old movies were gutsy. They lost, sure, but they took on the world and would give the viewers a run for their money. It's true when old people sitting on porches of rickety shacks with banjos say, "They don't make 'em like 'ey used to." Maybe this will change that. Maybe this will inspire you. Or maybe you'll just become another corrupt, cowardly slob. Either ways, read on.

Supervillains will be referred to as SV or SVs for the remainder of this piece

STEP ONE: LOOK THE PART
All SVs leave a lasting impression on those they come into contact with and I don't mean they brand their victims. They need to do something that makes them stand out from the crowd. There are a limited number of ways one can destroy the world, but one's appearance is unique because no two people look exactly the same, except for twins (and greater degrees of twinship) who are the same people to begin with, so they don't count. While this isn't necessary, you don't want to show up on the newspapers as Hitler #2. No man or woman should have to be called that. 

STEP ONE-POINT-FIVE: ACQUIRE AN INTERESTING ANIMAL COMPANION
There's a reason I didn't use the term 'pet'. Pet sounds tame, cute. I'm talking about vicious beasts. The following is part of an advertisement taken from a devilish pet store/butcher shop/science lab in New Guinea known in inner circles as The Pet Store:
* Observe the customer's favourite, the hungry shark with lasers attached to its head!
* We have an unarmed bear with a jetpack strapped to its back, widely known among secret agents for its devastating body slams!
* New to our repertoire is an anaconda with mechanical gyroscopic legs and horns screwed into its skull for maximum intimidation!
* I understand that we might have animal lovers among the readers who may wish to keep a pet as well. In that case, allow me to draw your attention to The Pet Store's mini-beasts section:

* A Chihuahua with David Hasselhoff's face made entirely of razorblades. It may only be fed razor blades and chocolate.
* An exploding gerbil. No, it isn't a grenade painted to look like a gerbil. It is a one-time-use thing though; we're still working on regeneration but haven't been able to get a hold of Wolverine's DNA.
* And for our best value offer, we have an exploding hamster. This is a grenade painted to look like a hamster.
Both the animal companions and pets need to have interesting background stories. The Pet Store's animal companions come with this included. The shark is an anorexic seeking approval from its peers; the bear lost its hands during the Cold War which is why it hates commies; the anaconda is just silly and likes to make jokes.
STEP TWO: BE RICH
There is no way around this. While spending inherited money is an option, your source of funding needn't necessarily be (late) daddy's millions. You could choose to earn money. Doing this is rather easy as the instructional documentary 'Limitless' shows us. To streamline/accelerate the process, the aspiring entrepreneur may wish to kneecap their local loan shark in advance. Kneecapping is an ambiguous act with allows freedom to those who carry it out. Tools used may be a simple firearm or a blunt object such as a wrench or crowbar. Once you have money, establish yourself as a well known personality in the business community. Not in an evil way, the evil doesn't come yet. Wait until after step four for that.

STEP THREE: HAZ A LAIR
…And not just any lair - an evil layer! I mean lair. I needn't tell you that this will be your base of operations as well as where you live for the greater part of the year.

Your lair will have to be built into a volcano located on your private island; there is hardly a choice in this matter. Some of the finer details can be reworked but volcano and island is an integral part of being a SV.

STEP FOUR: MINIONS AND HENCHMEN
Getting minions isn't so hard. Big companies do it all the time and it is perfectly legal. Internship programs, they call them. This is why you established yourself as a well known corporate figure before. According to The Discovery Channel, the intern is attracted to shiny iPhones which it cannot afford. It can usually be found in its natural habitat licking the books of corporate bigwigs (sometimes even medium or smallwigs) to secure a recommendation.

As for henchmen, one has to select them personally. They have to be unique and meet higher standards as they will be part of your elite squadron. These are the guys who you would send out to deal with those who would seek to single-handedly destroy your operation. You can go shopping for henchmen in high security prisons.
STEP FIVE: THE GAME PLAN
The final touch to supervillainery is an evil, evil plan that will scare the world. Do try and be unique in this. I've taught you all that I can evil grasshopper. The rest is up to you.
Disclaimer: This was not inspired by either Megamind or Despicable Me, but a far greater force (see: Evil Genius)