MINISTER CAMPAIGN FOR AWARENESS ON VIRUS, INFECTS LITERALLY EVERYONE

An arrest warrant was issued for Minister of Footpaths Abdul Kander for inadvertently spreading the newest strand of the now highly contagious Dengue virus during his awareness campaign against it.

To impress upon the people the need for "social distancing", the latest buzzword invented by scientists who can't do a damn thing on time, Minister Abdul took an entourage of 100 people door-to-door and informed people of what the latest dengue virus was like.

To make a symbolic gesture, he also released 1,000 dengue mosquitoes, replacing our favourite ceremonial bird, the pigeon.

The mosquitoes, and the infected people in his entourage, then wreaked havoc in the areas he visited, infecting some 1,000 more people, which the government calls three people.

Minister Abdul could not be reached for comments. His cell phone was also found to be switched off.

FROM HERO TO ZERO

In other news, four men who helped track down and capture an escapee from quarantine, were themselves found to have been infected with the novel Dengue, now known as the Covid-420, in celebration of the fact that it was discovered on April 20, 2020.

The returnee from a foreign country was posted up in a hospital quarantine, before he made a daring escape in the dead of night. When the nurses left him alone, he climbed out of the window. The next day an alert was issued over the escape.

Four brave men, whose names are the same as all other names ever disclosed by law enforcement agencies, in this case being -- Kokhon, alias Kala Khokon; Bahadur, alias Dacoit Bahadur; Abdul, alias Shada Abdul and Raju -- then decided to play hero and chased the escapee down.

Risking their lives, they finally caught the fugitive and tied him up. After handing him over to the local police, they were hugged and cheered on by 400 villagers. All 400 villagers are now also in quarantine, because, like has been said repeatedly, the new virus is highly, freaking, contagious.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

The government has decided to put all elderly people away from the rest of the population. The drastic decision was not taken out of concern, but rather self-preservation as most of our ministers and higher-ups are really, really old.

In other news, the banking system collapsed as per the usual.

BREAKING NEWS: A former opposition leader, who has been in jail since as long as anyone can remember, has been declared as the last person to remain untouched by the new dengue virus. The person, whose gender has been forgotten given how long that one has been in jail, is planning to form a new government, as no one with any political experience is left following the awareness campaign by the footpath minister.