How to beat abuse allegations: A book by Johnny Depp

The following is the contents page from actor Johnny Depp's upcoming book "How to beat abuse allegations". He wrote the entire book while sitting at the plaintiff's desk during the six-week defamation trial involving his ex-wife Amber Heard. The occasional smirks on Depp's face, seen and adored by millions during the live-streamed trial, was because he was amused by what he was writing. Satireday got an advance copy of the book, and has tapped into Depp's Hunter-esque Thompson-esque mind to include a short description for each chapter.

BE A MOVIE STAR LOVED BY MILLIONS

Fame has its perks. I have been famous for a long time. I had scissors for hands, then I went undercover to bust Al Pacino, who told me a joke about a skeleton going into a bar, ordering a drink and a mop. I went to Las Vegas and covered some sporting event while hopped up on drugs.

I sailed the seas as a drunken sailor. An octopus rose from the depths to kill me but I made it to the sequel.

After all that, a defamation trial isn't much, is it? Not when people want to see you slay more gigantic octopuses and drink more rum in forgotten islands. Not when men are tired of #Metoo allegations that give women too much power.

Sure, Amber is famous too. But come on. I mean, really. Come on.

BE A DELICATE GENIUS

Ever heard of Hunter S Thompson? Ever seen Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas? I have. He is my favourite author. His subjective storytelling and reporting are basically my life. Style is more important than substance. Life is stream of consciousness.

So, when I sent my friends texts about doing violent things to Amber, it is important to remember that I was conveying a feeling, and not my attitude towards her, or things I would like to do if I had the chance. I am a delicate genius, and my emotions are my currency. I am a fan of Hunter S Thompson. Ever heard of him?

SLAPP AIN'T A DIRTY WORD

Fame and fortune don't happen accidentally. I am famous, fortunate and fortune-rich because I am better. Strategic lawsuits against public participation (SLAPP) may seem like a dirty word, or five words that combine to make a dirty meaning, but it's not if you are rich and famous. We deserve better.

So, filing the case in Virginia, which has less wide-ranging anti-SLAPP laws as opposed to California, where we live, was a no-brainer. People need to know that going after the rich, famous and innocent is a fool's game, and the past six weeks have shown that Amber is quite the fool. Writing that op-ed in 2018 was not smart, and deserves a SLAPP.

SMIRK THROUGHOUT THE TRIAL

One of my most famous roles was as a rascal pirate who got away with dastardly things, and he smirked a lot. While I was being accused of abuse during this trial, I was writing this book. I made myself laugh because, of course, I am so funny. But then I saw that people were lapping it up. YouTube was overflowing with montages of me smirking during trial proceedings, thinking that I was laughing at lawyers' questions and witness testimonies. You know why people loved it? Because I am Captain Jack Sparrow and I am innocent. So, I kept smirking throughout.

HAVE THE PERFECT IMPERFECT ACCUSER

And now we come to Amber. She is no angel; far from it. She is the devil. And that is why I am lucky. This book would not have been written without Amber. The most important aspect of any of this is to have an accuser who is a bit of an idiot. Who kind of overplays her hand and stupidly assumes that just being a female, she can garner the jury's sympathy by saying "A powerful man abused me". I knew how much of an idiot she is because I was married to her. I have endless stories to discredit her such as how she performed bodily functions in inappropriate settings. But all this comes to nowt without evidence, which leads me to my next chapter.

ASSUME YOU WILL BE ACCUSED EVENTUALLY

As powerful men, we know one thing: They are out to get us. Who are they? Everyone, especially women we knew. They know our secrets, and like we have seen recently, the world is eager to learn our secrets, because they're all jealous. So, knowing this, and because I am better than all of you, I recorded everything. I recorded every conversation, I got her to admit that she hit me. ME! Not the other way round. Does she have anything even close? No. You know why? Because she's not as smart. Oh, and because I am innocent. 

DON'T AIM TO WIN; AIM TO PLEASE

Truth be told, I never aimed to win this case. I only aimed to please. That blasted op-ed ruined my career. At just 54 years old, my roles had dried up. Is that a coincidence? Am I a woman that I don't deserve roles past 35 years of age? No, she did this, and she must pay. She was begging for a global humiliation and she got it.

Look, I am an entertainer, and this trial entertained. It basically was bigger news than a war. I wanted to entertain my fans during tough times. And that's what I did. I wanted Depp to become a household name again.

BE RICH. BE A MAN

That's obvious, isn't it?