Bidesh declares limited on scale victory in war against virus; disowns 3,800 infected nationals

Declaring a limited on scale victory in the war against Covid-22, Bidesh yesterday opened up day-to-day functions.

Large processions took to the streets to celebrate the legendary triumph. Masked citizens in PPEs thronged the colourful procession. Walls were lined with posters hailing the "Niece of Virologists", a moniker given to the Champion of People and Leader of the Nation Bobby.  

The people had been waiting to forget what had been the most tumultuous period of their entire lives. "I can understand famine, cyclones and genocide. But physical distancing? Not shopping for months? To save other people's lives? That I cannot fathom," a spectator at the procession said.

"We are being careful. We have not won yet as long as there are traitors still hiding in the country. We are only allowing the highest foreign currency earners and our best friends in business to open up their factories, shops and offices," Abal Ahmed, the spokesperson for the Greatest Ever Leader II, said.

In a televised speech Her Majesty Bobby thanked mass prayer processions and her zero-tolerance policy for the virus as reasons behind the conquest.

"Take off your masks. You are now free!" She roared into her mic probably to entice the use of the adjective "rousing" in newspaper descriptions of her victory speech. 

She also promised swift justice against those still harbouring the infection in their masks. Huge camps, which national observers have called "scary", are being set up to capture and keep all the traitors.

"I have now adopted a zero-tolerance policy against traitors," she said.

The 3,800 citizens who are still infected with the virus had been declared traitors and persona non grata.

"They do not love the country. If they did, they would not have been harbouring this virus in their body. The harbouring of viruses is against the law under the infectious diseases act," Chief of Police Sultana Tasnim said.

The 3,800 are currently in isolation and will be shifted to an island no one wants to live in but there are pictures of the really colourful buildings there have went viral once.

Detractors, however, said the country had won the battle but not the war and was just copying its bigger neighbour.

"So, they announced a shutdown and extended it by two days. We followed suit but extended it by three days. Then our neighbour said we will relax shut down on the 31st and we said okay, we will do so on the 30th. This doesn't throw anyone off. We can clearly see they do not have policy in place," Shukur Kumar, a newsman, said.

"Some of these factories and businesses are yet to clear their employees' salaries and Eid bonuses. They should not be allowed to operate," he added.

When asked if he had received his own salary and bonuses, he admitted he had not but said those who moralise should not be held to the same standard as everyone else.

Businesses hailed the decision to reopen everything on a limited scale. In celebration, a chotpoti stall owner, who is yet to pay his employees their full salary for April, catered for a client's daughter's wedding free of cost. "In these times it is important to keep the clients happy," the owner, who we cannot name because of the vague wording in some laws, said.