::: Star Weekend Magazine :::

Straight Talk

Boys Don't Cry

Nadia Kabir Barb

The wellbeing of one's child is the topmost priority for any parent. We try our level best to make sure they are happy, healthy and safe no matter what. Therefore, when choosing a school, one must take into account not just the academic aspects, facilities or extra-curricular activities of the school but also how it deals with the ever worrying problem of bullying. Some schools adopt very stringent rules towards bullying and deal with this kind of crisis swiftly and effectively. Other schools, usually those that have a large number of students find it harder to pick up on the bullying as it just is not possible to keep track of everything happening in the school especially in the playground. Sadly in many instances, a great proportion of the victims of bullying do not speak up and continue school life suffering constant mental and physical abuse. But this does not mean that we should sit back and allow this kind of behaviour to go unnoticed and unpunished putting it down to "part of growing up" as it is our duty not just to our children but to any child to protect them from this kind of persecution.

According to the Guardian Newspaper, in a recent poll more than two-thirds of parents are worried about bullying in their child's school. Almost half of the 424 parents polled - 45% - said they were "very concerned" about the issue. The survey was published as Olympic champion Kelly Holmes and England footballer Rio Ferdinand joined together with ministers and charities to launch the first national anti-bullying week. In a new video that was screened on National TV over a week ago, the stars on were shown reading lines from a poem written by a bullying victim. The film is part of a series of events aimed at encouraging children, parents and schools to work together to "beat bullying". In the survey nearly nine out of 10 parents said they think schools and teachers need more support to tackle the problem.

The effects that bullying can have on children are endless and can last a lifetime. Self loathing, low self esteem, inability to integrate with others even at a latter stage, reclusive behaviour, harming oneself are just the tip of the iceberg. Sometimes the consequences are far reaching and can have tragic results where the child in question finds the only way to end the misery of day to day hounding is to resort to taking their own life. The thought itself is chilling. The frightening thing is that bullying can take on many shapes and forms. Not only do we have to be aware of the physical abuse that takes place but also the mental abuse that can have an even more detrimental effect on children. Some children find themselves being ostracised by their peers, others are ridiculed for their appearance. Some are racially harassed while others are picked on because of their size or non confrontational behaviour. Name calling, taunting, spreading rumours are a common form of bullying and in most cases it takes place in the playground where constant supervision by teachers is not possible. Very seldom do the victims of bullying report this kind of behaviour to their teachers as they feel that this will only increase their ration of torment. According to a research published a few weeks ago it showed that there are five times as many male bullies as female ones. And it is a misconception to think that boys only resort to physical violence as they too resort to the mental bullying often associated with their female counterparts. But there seems to be some kind of unwritten code whereby "boys don't cry" and therefore to tell someone that they are being bullied would be seen as a sign of weakness and therefore shameful. The anti-bullying week will, I hope dispel this notion and make students aware that the best thing to do is to confide in someone, be it a teacher, parent or grandparent who will be able to take some steps to tackle this problem. Sometimes the people best equipped to deal with bullying are the children themselves especially with the support of their teachers. If they can be made conscious of the fact that the right thing to do is to stand up for their peers if they see them being bullied then we might actually find bullies unable to intimidate those they feel are weaker than themselves.

Having three children of my own, this is a topic which is close to my heart. The concept of bullying is abhorrent especially the idea that children can be so cruel to other children. The way to ensure this does not happen and if it does, to be able to address it is to make sure that the channels of communication between us and our children are open at all times. If they feel they are able to confide in us without being judged or without the fear that we would do anything to jeopardise their standing with their fellow students it might be possible to give them a sense of security. Signs of bullying are not necessarily visible unless there are bruises or scars so it is important to make sure that our children are happy in their school environment, keep an open dialogue with their teachers and take an interest in their day to day activities. Maybe this way we can minimise and even avoid any unnecessary misery for both child and parent.