Jokes

What Kind of a Person
are You?

Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name:
WOMANIUM Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name:
MANIUM Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, ageing samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralise by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

You know you're a cat person when...
...you refer to going to the bathroom as "using the litter box."
...you do not consider an outfit complete without some cat hair.
...you consider cat hair in your food as extra fibre.
...you apologise when you step on a fuzzy cat toy in the dark.
...you snap your fingers and pat the sofa beside you to invite your guests to sit down.
...you sleep on one edge of the bed because the cat is sleeping in the middle looking soooo cute!
...you accidentally put your child's dinner plate on the floor.
...you spend more money on toys for your cats than on the kids or grandkids.
...your neighbours refer to you as "the crazy one with all the cats."
...you have more pictures of your cats than your kids in your wallet.
...you refer to your cat as your furry child.
...your parents wind up with a four-footed, furry "grandchild."
...you plan your vacation around the cat show schedule.
...you accidentally call your spouse by your cat's name!
...you set a place at the dinner table for your cat.
...you have a set of towels with "His" "Hers" and "Kitty's."
...you call home and leave a message on the answering machine for your cat.
...you have the cat meow on the outgoing message of the answering machine.
...you and kitty have matching outfits.
...your spouse says, "Me or the cat!" and there's no hesitation.
...you never go to the door unless it's to let a cat out.
...your favourite friends have fleas.
...you chose a house to buy based on it having a good location for the cat box.
...you think cat fur makes a wonderful garnish to any meal.
...you own 17 varieties of kitty-nail-clippers.
...you are lost for conversation with non-cat people.
...you meow so well, you confuse the cats.
...you bore the neighbours with discussions on the exact nutritional differences between kinds of cat food …at length.