THIS WEEK'S HOROSCOPE
Aries
when is you be when dog is kill?
Taurus
"An Apple a day keeps the doctor away" —Steve Jobs
Gemini
Washing your beloved's clothes will bring f—luck.
Cancer
Don't take dating advice from anyone apart from the man in prison.
Leo
Throw your visiting cards in the air. The first three to land will speak of your future.
Virgo
Ancient aliens gave us the extra hole. Use it.
Libra
You are Donald Duck's pants.
Scorpio
Wear banana earrings for a raise.
Sagittarius
Happiness is fleeting, just like the Spanish Armada.
Capricorn
Sweet, sweet corn.
Aquarius
Robert de Niro is your grandfather.
Pisces
Use a broomstick as a toothpick, enjoy your newfound success.
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