50 SHADES OF SLIME
"I am Gary, Crusher of Souls," said James Earl Jones.
Sorry, it wasn't James Earl Jones. It was the pet snail of the meme-loving kid down the road. He named his snail Gary like 99% of the clever snail lovers. Back to the problem at hand, though.
An eight-foot-tall snail began circling me. I could read what was painted on its side. "All your base r belong 2 us."
It seems that the snail's former owner had painted its shell. I would be an angry soul-crushing villainous cliché too if my body was covered with ten-year-old overused memes.
How did I come to be in front of a giant, murderous snail? Well, I blame all of this on David Icke. That dude got his calculations wrong and "figured" out that all the world leaders were either inter-dimensional space reptiles or were at least controlled by them. I don't think we would be morbidly obese or anti-vaccination level stupid if inter-dimensional reptiles were pulling our strings. We'd at least be fit enough to serve their agenda involving mining all the world's gold or constantly trolling the middle-east. Damn it, David. If you only got your cards right, everyone would know about the snails and would've put a stop to this. Inter-dimensional space reptiles are a step too far for us to wrap our heads around.
"I have observed you for long, Chen, it pains me to hurt you," said Gary.
"Uh… what?" I replied.
"You have always treated your ISP technicians with care. You offered them orange juice when they showed up two days late without prior notice. You have always thanked them for their terrible service. You treated them as equals," boomed Gary.
"I… uh… what?" I said.
"What better way to control a sentient being than to have a tight grip upon their information services? We were everywhere. In the pockets of your local technicians, engineers and even inside your routers. For when a snail loves another snail, your internet gets slow."
I looked over Gary's shoulder at the wall-mounted TV.
David Icke was being crowned King Snail.
My view was entirely blocked before I could make out anything because Gary slimed his way all the way towards me. Is slimed even a word? I don't even know but that's what it looked like. It brushed a tentacle against my cheek and actually crooned at me.
"Join us, Chen. Become my pet while we rule the world. You will be mine. The nights do tend to get lonely."
It brushed a tentacle over my clenched fists and let out a sonorous giggle. I could see Gary turning slightly red. It turned around and beckoned me towards my bedroom.
I obeyed.
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