Write to Mita | The Daily Star
12:04 AM, March 29, 2013 / LAST MODIFIED: 04:08 PM, March 28, 2013

Write to Mita

Dear Mita,
mitaI had a love marriage about a year ago and I am quite happy with my husband. My problem however is with my mother-in-law. She is a very nice person, but she can be a bit controlling at times and stubborn too. She has something to say about every aspect of my life such as my job (hours are too long), my clothes (not conservative enough), my cooking (not good enough), my friends (not a good influence) and she always thinks I am influencing my husband whenever he gets upset about something at home.  While I have been putting up with all of this for my husband's sake, I am finding it increasingly difficult not to say anything in my own defense. I don't want to ask my husband to move out to our own place because I know his parents will never forgive me. What should I do?

Dear Overwhelmed,
This is a common problem among families that still live in a joint system. I can understand how difficult it must be to live with a mother-in-law who is interfering in every aspect of your life. However, a smart and educated woman like you should be able to handle this with grace and intelligence.  You have to somehow outwit her, make her feel silly for behaving this way but at the same time get the better of her. Here, your husband's support is crucial. He should be there to protect you when things get difficult and if necessary tell his mother that she is being unfair. There is no harm defending yourself if you do it politely but firmly.  If you are to live together then both of you have to adjust. There are some expectations she will have from you and your husband which you must fulfill but there must be a line drawn on how far that expectation will go.  The daughter-in-law mother-in- law relationship is a complicated one and has to be handled carefully. But gone are the days when she could boss over you and the you had to take it quietly.

Dear Mita,
I am an HSC examinee this year. My exams will be starting in less than two weeks. But my problem is that I can't concentrate on my studies. Whenever I sit in front of my books, various tensions come into my mind. I am in a relationship with a girl for more than a year. We are in the same district (we live in Jessore) but we don't study in the same
college. We love each other a lot and we are very serious about our relationship. We want to live together and marry each other after finishing our studies and establishing ourselves. But I am very afraid about our future. I am a student of Commerce and she of Science. After our HSC exam she will apply to medical college and I will be applying to public universities. If she doesn't get a chance in medical college her family won't allow her to continue her studies. Another thing I always worry about is that if she becomes a doctor will her family accept me if I don't get into a good position or get a good job? These worries come into my mind and hamper my studies. What should I do?

Dear Tensed,
It is natural to be worried and tensed about the future. However, the tension should not exceed limits where you become immobilised. You both are very young and have the world ahead to make plans for the future. You need to prioritise what is most important at present and that is to study hard and complete the first hurdle towards building a good career and future. Take everything out of your mind and just concentrate on your studies. Without good results you will not be able to fulfill any of your dreams. Regarding whether her family will accept you or not, that is also too far into the future, moreover, if the girl continues to love and support you, there should not be any problem.

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