To: [email protected]
FROM: NISHAT RAHMAN
SUBJECT: THE ANNOYING HUSBAND
February 14 is almost here and I need your help. I was hoping that you would help me out by shooting one of your arrows at a certain man of my acquaintance -- my husband! He forgot Valentine's Day last time around and I found him fast asleep with his arms wrapped tightly around our dog when I came back with a card.
Maybe you could shoot him twice. I doubt one zing from your arrow will turn my lump into a romantic. But hey, I'm counting on you. I mean, after all, couples such as Adam and Eve, Tristan and Isolde, Lancelot and Guinevere, David and Victoria Beckham, Jay-Z and Beyonce have only you to thank for their happy and wonderful relationships. Okay, I'll admit, maybe not all of them.
Don't get me wrong, I love him and all. I mean, he always has a solution for my problems. Most of the time they don't work but still, he does. I just want him to be a little more considerate and romantic. Oh and also if you have time, I can never out- procrastinate my husband. So maybe help me with that too.
I hope you can do me this little favour, I'm not asking for much. If it helps, I can hold him down when he's sleeping and you can do the deed then. I know you're not Oprah but you are a magician with the bow and arrow so I'm sure you can turn my man into a romantic with a zing.
Try not to shoot him in the head. It'd be unfortunate if something happened to him. Don't zing him more than twice. I don't want him to drool all over me; all over the house.
FROM: SABER RAHMAN
SUBJECT: THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN
I can't believe I am writing to you. Am I the first man in the history of men to email you? Don't answer that. I really don't have a choice. I am desperate. You see Valentine's Day is around the corner and I think my loving wife expects me to do something big for her this time.
You see, last time, I successfully avoided the holiday by pretending to sleep when she arrived home which is why this time she's expecting too much. She keeps giving me dark looks and keeps questioning me about what I have planned for this Valentine's Day.
I'm not into talking about my feelings and I never ask anyone for help but could you possibly get me out of this mess? Man to man? How about it? All you have to do is work your magic and turn her into a nag-free cutie pie. Also, it would be cool if you could make her a little less annoying.
She's also trying to find out what's wrong with me, yelling at me for being lazy. Also she keeps talking about other women; her friends. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this so much. Furthermore, when I do something wrong, she'll just sit and pout and I'll have to keep on guessing what I did wrong. Just a couple of these things and I'll owe you one.
If you ever need wrapping paper, I have a wrapping paper store that will give you 50 percent off. I don't really know how you do your thing; just make sure it doesn't come back to me. Don't change her too much. She looks really cute when she pouts.
By Naveed Naushad
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