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     Volume 5 Issue 99 | June 16, 2006 |

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Soccer Referee jokes

Offside definition
Definition 1 : The Bermuda Triangle area of the pitch where "innocent" players are drawn towards.
Definition 2 : The offside rule is there to attract to football those people who can already explain how to play cricket
Definition 3 : A player is offside if they are nearer to the opponent's goal line than both the ball and the second last player - except on alternate Saturdays when in addition the second last player must be facing in the opposite goals direction in which the ball is directed.
A player is not offside if they are in their own half of the field, or they are level with the second last opponent, or the player, opponent and referee form a triangle as perceived by an imaginary linesmen positioned on the Celestial Meridian.
All offside regulations are immediately found to be in favour of the defending team if shortly after the ball is played they all stop, in unison, and raise their right arm to the linesman and appeal for an offside decision.

Definition of a good referee
1) Must be fair
2) Must be consistent
3) Must make correct judgements
4) Must be able to stay in control
5) Must award your team at least two penalties and give out two red cards to opposition players

Heavy rain
A match between two non-League teams took place last winter in the North of England. It had been raining heavily all week and the ground resembled a swamp.
However, the referee ruled that play was possible and tossed the coin to determine ends.
The visiting captain won the toss and, after a moment's thought, said, 'OK - we'll take the shallow end!'

Hungarian referee
Some years ago an important European match between England and Scotland was taking place in Milan.
The referee was Hungarian. His command of English left a good deal to be desired and the players of both teams were taking the mickey out of him at every opportunity.
Finally the Hungarian's patience ran out.
'You British!' he shouted. 'You think I know damn nothing about the games Let me tell you I know damn all!'

Yellow card
The shrill blast of the whistle and the pointing finger of the referee stopped the player in his tracks.
The referee beckoned him over and produced notebook, pencil and yellow card.
'It's a yellow card for you,' said the referee, waving the card at the footballer.
'You know what you can do with your yellow card!' shouted the player.
'You're too late, mate,' replied the referee. 'There's three red cards there already!'

Referee: 'Penalty!'
Home captain: 'Who for?'
Referee: 'Us!'

Saying or thinking
The angry captain snarled at the referee. 'What would happen if I called you a blind bastard who couldn't make a correct decision to save his life?'
'It would be a red card for you.'
'And if I didn't say it but only thought it?'
'That's different. If you only thought it but didn't say it, I couldn't do a thing.'
'Well, we'll leave it like that, then, shall we?' smiled the captain



Source: The Internet


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