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     Volume 9 Issue 38| September 24, 2010 |


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Talk, Shop and be Marry (oops!)


It is said that spelling it right is important. But today you see, especially in the SMS craze, mostly young people constricting words to save time, save space... K9, mn8... Or perhaps we do not know how to spell 'canine' and 'emanate'.

Speaking on that point, I have never understood why some people have to shorten “honourable” to “hon'ble”, or even ''thanks'' to “tnx”. Somehow you do not feel honourable or thanked well enough. Perhaps that is the whole intention, who knows!

A single spelling mistake can be crucial, not only in making you pass or fail, but it can become a matter of life and death, depending however on how you take a divorce. That reminds me of David Bissonette's chauvinistic utterance: 'When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her'. David may be surprised, but it is so much true these days that had a woman swept him off his feet, there would be no better retribution for his wife than to let the other lady (or whatever his wife called her) keep him.

Although some say that marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce, recently a divorce has indeed been caused by a spelling mistake by an innocent victim of blind rage! And you cannot blame the lady. The story goes like this that a man went for a vacation, presumably a stag thing, and (unfortunately) sent this message to his wife: "Having the most wonderful time of my life …. wish you were HER.." Lesson learnt. No message-fessage when you are on a vacation.

One of the reasons why most quotes are male-sided is because there were clearly always more male writers than women writers. On close study it will now be apparent that any quote (written by men) can be applied to either side.

For example, at a kitty party, it could be said, “Men inspire us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.” But the original quote is “Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them”, primarily because it was written by a man.

Now Dumas wrote: “The great question, which I have not been able to answer, 'what does a woman want?' ” Well, any learned woman could say today, “The great question, which I have not been able to answer, 'what does a man want?' ”

There are several others that could be applied either way by making the male to female switch:

Henny Youngman rued: My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield was sarcastic: A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Nash was scathing: The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...

Credited to an anonymous: A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

And another anonymous narrated this one: First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

And yet another anonymous recalled: You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The reason why so many authors are anonymous when it comes to writing about women, without who they are effectually half effective, is because they are afraid there may be some reprisal. I do not blame the ladies at all if you go by the two secret rules of Patrick Murray. To keep your marriage brimming: Rule One, 'Whenever you're wrong, admit it'. Rule 2: 'Whenever you're right, shut up.' That ladies and gentlemen is true for either side.

There seems to be at least another secret to a long marriage, and it goes both ways too. One scared anonymous (male) writer explained thus: “We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week... a little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” I presume they go alone.

However, some famous quotes are perhaps eternal in their sexism. Take for instance, Sigmund Freud's observation: “I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me”. But you cannot blame the lady. It is a fact: women love to talk. There is nothing wrong with that.

Or, for that matter, Sam Kinison's: “There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage”. But you cannot blame the lady. It is a fact: women love to shop. There is nothing wrong with that.

Socrates puts the whole matrimony issue in perspective: “By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.” No wonder Socrates that you became such great one.

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