Chintito
Would
You Like To
Ride On Your
Own Ass?
Chintito
The title
is form an ad for donkey rides in Thailand. But that is not
the only place where the English language has been innocently
vandalised.
As it
gradually emerged as the single international means of communication
the English language, if only for sheer survival, has been
used creatively (?) all around the world. In fact English
is spoken in more parts of the world than any other language
and by more people than any other tongue except Chinese. But
then this is not a Chinese paper, what the heck!
Despite
the vocabulary consisting of more than one million words,
including slang and dialect expressions and scientific and
technical terms, the 'duh' of Moose fame remains delicately
hanging between the source and the receiver.
While
the language has borrowed extensively and constantly from
every major language, especially from Latin, Greek, French,
the Scandinavian languages and from numerous other languages,
it appears now the indebted world wants to pay the English
back.
So here
is a sampling of English
doing the rounds on the net:
Budapest
zoo: PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE
FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctor's
office, Rome: SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel,
Acapulco: THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER
SERVED HERE.
Using
hotel air conditioner, Japan: COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT
CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental
brochure, Tokyo: WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE
THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL
OBSTACLE YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
Nairobi
restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO
SEE THE MANAGER.
On the
grounds of a private school: NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an
Athi River highway: TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER,
THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster
at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN
HELP.
In a Western
City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
A sign
on an automatic restroom hand dryer: DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH
WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani
maternity ward: NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR
OWN GRAVES.
Tokyo
hotel's rules: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER
DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
Bangkok
temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER
IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel
brochure, Italy: THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND
SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE
TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel
lobby, Bucharest: THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY.
DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel
elevator, Paris: PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel,
Yugoslavia: THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE
JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the
lobby of a Moscow hotel: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY
WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED
DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel
catering to skiers, Austria: NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS
IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Menu,
Poland: SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH
CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET
LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket,
Hong Kong: FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT
SELF-SERVICE.
The Soviet
Weekly: THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000
SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED
OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
Tokyo
bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
East African
newspaper: A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE
THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Sign in
Germany's Black Forest: IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR CAMPING
SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN,
LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH
OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel,
Japan: YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel,
Zurich: BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS
OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE
LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Ad by
Hong Kong dentist: TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
Laundry
in Rome: LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON
HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist
agency, Czechoslovakia: TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY
TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
On box
of clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT
ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss
mountain inn: SPECIAL TODAY: NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline
ticket office, Copenhagen: WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM
IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
Thankfully,
there was none from Bangladesh, which attainment should see
us being rated as one of the best in the world, at least on
this count.
Copyright
(R) thedailystar.net 2004
|