The News They Didn't Choose: Stuff That Really Happened but We Didn't Print
These days too many headlines have been making the news. This sudden influx of marketable information has pushed some stories out of the limelight. Thankfully, armed with the most capable bunch of researchers (named Wikipedia and Google), Star managed to uncover the news that remained unheard and even forgotten.
The Minister of communications had had enough. Tired of slapping thieves, stopping trucks, causing grid-lock while going from point A to B and tearing fake licenses, the ministry has come up with a brand new initiative, which shall also save the nation a lot of sweet sweet money. Instead of spending 24 crores building damaged roads, this Eid, all the roads around Dhaka will instead be demolished. This way, people who have already left Dhaka will not be able to come back and hence Dhaka's population will be controlled. “People always say Dhaka streets are best during Eid, hence we came up with “Operation Road-Wrecker,” a source at the ministry explained. “ Without roads, people can't come back and without roads there will be no traffic jam,” he added. The ministry further elaborated how in the next two years, all roads in Dhaka will be demolished and replaced with parking zones, as that's what people really need. Additionally, since people don't really follow road rules to begin with, why waste so much time and energy building roads that will break during the first rain anyway? Brilliant.
Most Effective Government Conspiracy
A recent poll revealed that this ruling party has been the most consistently effective of all parties, thanks to its commitment of making many excellent promises, catching criminals they didn't even know they caught, solving more crimes than committed and preventing load-shedding in Jatiya Sangsad. The glowing review was however met with much disdain. A reliable source within the ministry claimed that the whole vote was a conspiracy to create unrest and challenge the democracy of the country. Asked how exactly a good review can create unrest, the source had no answer. After being congratulated on securing food supplies for everyone in the country plus all the black cats, the source in question also called the burgeoning food supplies a conspiracy. “We don't have food. It's a conspiracy to say we do. We don't,” he added.
Dhaka Voted 11th Wealthiest Nation in the World
Yes, you read that right. Not only are we the 11th happiest but we are also the 11th wealthiest. An independent commission comprising me and my friend surveyed all Members of Parliaments and Ministers and studied their wealth statements to understand how much they were all worth collectively. Given that the MPs are all elected by the people, they are obviously a fair reflection of the people themselves. Bangladesh made the top 20 by virtue of the fact that all their ministers, although earning meager sums of around Tk 15,000-30,000 managed to amass wealth a 100 times that and that's just their cash. Properties weren't even taken into account. This not only shows the business acumen of our leaders but given the recent fact that none of our MPs have ever been involved in corruption, apart from maybe that 3%, it also highlights their unrelenting entrepreneurial spirit. The opposition obviously had to spoil the party. A spokesperson from the 'other side' remarked, “We have made more money in 4 years than they did. This report is nothing but a conspiracy. We shall announce fresh agitation programmes after Eid unless a fresh survey is conducted.”
The 8 ½ Natural Wonder of the World
In a surprise turn of events, the Jatiya Sangsad was overwhelmingly voted the 8 ½th Natural Wonder of the World, beating Cox's Bazaar by a long margin. Voters believed that the Jatiya Sangsad deserved the top spot, for its breath-taking beauty and the natural state of befuddlement that it causes every time it is on television. The ability to cause such confusion and spark wonder at the proceedings that go on in the Jatiya Sangsad made it a surprising yet strong contender. “The Jatiya Sangsad is a place of wonders. Here, we offer munajat, sing songs, recite vulgar poetry and even engage in the occasional fist fight,” Mofiz Hossain, a voter, explained. “Where else does such naturally wonderful things take place?,” he asked. Upon hearing the news, the opposition declared that they would be coming to the Sangsad only to walk out as a sign of their displeasure.
Food for Fraud
Dhaka has been recently declared a formalin free zone. In a massive survey conducted over 3 whole shops, it was found all were formalin free. The declaration was met with widespread acclaim. However, an opposition party chairman had to spoil the party. 'Of course the shops were found to be formalin free. They were bookshops. Are you all really that stupid?' Considering how we are, such a silly question was met with unending laughter in the parliament. Jokes on you, then.
Leave me A-Loan
After the debacle of the stock market crash, loan debacles and money whitening schemes, the Finance Minister's new Mojo is sure to boost the GDP of the country. In an unprecedented move, State Banks have now initiated their brand new “Loan a Vision” project. Under the project, anyone with a small grocery shop and ability to procure a vote of confidence from the ruling party will now be given loans. These loans will not be given against any collateral but will only be given on the basis of a winning vision. “Suppose, someone comes to us and says that s/he wants 50 crore which they will turn into 250 crore in 4 years times because they have a plan, then they will be approved for the loan,” a State Bank Office-type person informed. This simple plan promises to boost aggregate demand and GDP levels. Furthermore, the loans don't even have to be repaid, ever unless you want to and say please. “Inflation is a worry but then again so is Global Warming. Doesn't mean we stop living,” a ministry official said in an official statement.
Fishes and Crops Thriving In Roads
Smarty Pants who called attention to the broken roads of Chittagong by releasing koi fish and planting crops, are in for a surprise. Although done to mark their protest, residents in the area found the fish and crops to be thriving. The additional food source has pleased the agriculture ministry who now hope to add to their large food reserves. The communications minister encouraged other people to follow the example of the Chittagonians. “This is called turning adversity to opportunity. We ask others to follow the example and become self-sufficient,” the Minister said in a Press Meet. He also asked the Agricultural Ministry to look into more such projects in other broken roads around the country, mainly in Lalmatia and the Dhaka-Chittagong highway.
The future sure looks bright now doesn't it? Shame on the media for only publishing bad things about the country, when so much good is happening all around. Really, for shame.
BY OSAMA RAHMAN
|All places, characters, institutions and events described in this article are fictitious. Any resemblance to any person or institution living or dead is purely coincidental.
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