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|Volume 11 |Issue 42| October 26, 2012 ||
THE VIP STATUS BOARD
THE LEADING AUTHORITY IN SELF-IMPORTANCE AND CONDESCENSION
Dear Madam or Sir,
The VIP Status Board is pleased to inform you that you have officially been approved for a VIP status. The privileges associated with VIP status include, but are not limited to, full showing off rights and membership to the exclusive club VIP (whose membership is so restricted that you're the only member).
We advise that you immediately begin to exercise the rights given to you as a VIP member. Several techniques favoured by our other clients are arriving late to a meeting; taking phone calls during concerts; instead of addressing a lower ranking friend, colleague or family member (forthwith to be referred to as 'lowly peon') by name, just point, snap or grunt; insert the name of a head of state, foreign dignitary, member of a royal family or Nobel Laureate in passing, such as "Barrack agreed with me when I told Elizabeth, Amartya is really no good at golf."
It is customary for our members to require their social inferiors to remove shoes before entering the presence of a VIP. To avoid awkward situations of accidental non-compliance, we suggest a large placard is placed on a VIP's door (preferably with VIP printed in large letters, flashing strobe lights are also quite useful) so that others are reminded of their lowly position and the deference expected of them.
More suggested practices and techniques are available on our website:
Finally, your VIP status can be retracted if the board deems your behaviour too courteous or respectful to said lowly peons. For a full list of offenses and violations which might endanger your VIP status, please see the Terms and Agreements page on our website.
Your VIP card should be arriving shortly by post. If you do not receive it within a fortnight, please call 1-800-VIP GOLD and give your VIP Status confirmation number 9374761.
We look forward to our partnership with you in demeaning others and awarding ourselves undeserved privileges,
VIP Dr M B Rahamatullah
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