Jokes

Happy New Year!!!

The Usual New Year's Resolutions...
Resolution #1
2000: I will try to be a better husband to Mili.
2001: I will not leave Mili.
2002: I will try for a reconciliation with Mili.
2003: I will try to be a better husband to Saima.

Resolution #2
2000: I will stop looking at other women.
2001: I will not get involved with Saima.
2002: I will not let Saima pressure me into another marriage.
2003: I will stop looking at other women.

Resolution #3
2000: I will not let my boss push me around.
2001: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
2002: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
2003: I will tell Dr. Hanif and the group about my boss.

Resolution #4
2000: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2001: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2002: I will read five books a year.
2003: I will finish Airport.

Resolution #5
2000: I will not get upset when Rony and Saif make jokes about my baldness.
2001: I will not get annoyed when Rony and Saif kid me about my toupee.
2002: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
2003: I will not speak to Rony and Saif.

Resolution #6
2000: I will get my weight down below 180.
2001: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2002: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2003: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

Resolution #7
2000: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
2001: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
2002: I will not become a "problem drinker".
2003: I will not miss any AA meetings.

Resolution #8
2000: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2001: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2002: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2003: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2010.

Resolution #9
2000: I will see my dentist this year.
2001: I will have my cavities filled this year.
2002: I will have my root canal work done this year.
2003: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

Resolution #10
2000: I will go to the mosque every Friday.
2001: I will go to the mosque as often as possible.
2002: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
2003: I will try to catch the late night Quran recital on TV.

Some New Year's resolutions we can actually keep…
Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:
1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Take up a new habit: smoking.
7. Spend at least Tk. 10,000 a month on people of the opposite sex.
8. Spend more time at work.
9. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
10. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
11. Quit giving money and time to charity.
12. Start being superstitious.
13. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
14. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
15. Only wear jeans that are two sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.

A young man at a New Year's party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
"I thought you made a New Year's resolution to quit smoking," his friend says.
"I'm in the process of quitting," the man says. "Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."

Source: The Internet