::: Star Weekend Magazine :::

Musings

Blame it on the Bald guy!

Obaidur Rahman

We do not live in a bald-friendly society. The other day someone asked a balding individual if he was going through his quarter-life crisis. The gentleman kindly asked what compelled the answer seeker to ask that. Her reply was, “well, quarter of your hair is gone, so…”. In that way sort of makes it easy to identify people with midlife crisis, isn't it, 50% hair is gone, so…; that's profiling people! And it gets worse. Take the case of portrayal of bad guys in movies, how come the villain is always the bald guy or in advertisement the fate of the bald colleague of ours is always ironic. Why bald people all over the globe are being typecast like this? Seems like there is a neo-Bald Nazi at work, an evil conspiracy against all the bald men on Earth and now all the bald men know how the mutants from The X-Men felt. Bald earthlings are always under the radar, literally, it's like wearing the invisibility cloak. Unless you bump into someone else, the chance of noticing you is like seeing George Clooney going bald in your lifetime. It's just not going to happen. Who knew having a head full of hair, is like having a six-pack abdomen. In fact come to think of it, hair is the six-pack of the forehead!

There is a joke where Angels asked God whether he has ever given up on any human being ever. As God replied affirmatively the Angels asked how they were going to track those few in the midst of millions. Rumour has it that's when God came up with the “Baldness” program. Someone once said bald people perform a unique social service. That is they are the alternatives of mirrors for women in public places as the fairer sex check their make-up out of the reflection from their forehead. But some also say, that's just an urban legend to make bald people feel at ease. Some might wonder what being bald is like? It's exactly like that odd dream of appearing in public places wearing absolutely nothing. Unfortunately the dream (or nightmare) never ends for the bald folks. Someone once said being bald is the ultimate irony of the topless fantasy. What people do not comprehend that a bald individual has had two lives; Pre-Bald and post-bald. But one of the best things about being bald is that the look of woman towards him (even if by chance) remains always the same even after years of marriage. Nothing ever changes that great look of disappointment. There is a saying; a bald man is what your marriage is going to look like down the road. Maybe there is some truth in it, otherwise why else in science fiction movies do people who pop up from the future always tend to be bald?

When a person is balding he identifies a renewed relationship with the remnants. And astonishingly it's the same the other way around as well. It's like finding an old classmate you didn't particularly like from the good old school days. You just can't let go of each other. Those hair beads are like devout and loyal musicians from Titanic. They've chosen to go down with the ship! The profound relationship between a bald individual and his remaining hair has been underestimated throughout the ages. Don't ever ask why a bald man still shampoo's and combs his hair. It must be understood that it's a ritual, a celebration of a legacy of once lustrous and vivacious civilization. It's the story of mankind itself! Perhaps that's why no one but a bald man knows better the pain of Earth every time she goes through deforestation.

But bald people are not angry. They know they are the chosen ones to inherit the oldest surviving hairstyle. They are not disappointed that there is no hair insurance or that science has failed miserably to come up with a vaccine for baldness. They are not sad that women pay somewhat less attention to them. Because deep down they know it is the bald men that women truly fancy. Two great qualities that woman look for in a man are “commitment” and “maturity”. And bald folks are armed with both. In the very own words of a bald man, “I'm committed to those which have survived and those which abandoned me force me to act like an adult”!