Home   |  Issues  |  The Daily Star Home | Thursday, February 14, 2013

Do not date him
How to avoid ending up with 50 cent

By Osama Rahman

If you are a newbie to the dating scene, then you are in for it. The number of douchebags has increased faster than the birth rate of male babies, mostly thanks to the influence that music, movies and Bill Clinton have had on this world. To make sure you do not fall victim to the aforementioned category of people, here's a helpful walkthrough for not failing in the pursuit of your (non-existent) soul mate and completely side-stepping real life versions of Curtis aka 50 Cent aka posterior-gap of the highest order.

Stage 1: Eliminate possibilities
The first step is to eliminate the obvious douchebags. These are the guys wearing sunglasses indoors after 7:00 pm. They are also the guys that love displaying their chest hair and popping their collars, while wearing jeans tight enough to cut out their blood supply and possibly ensure they never experience fatherhood. Also cross off on your list the ones that stare too much or constantly walk by you; they are loners and are desperate for a mate. No one in the world likes a loser and neither should you.

Stage 2: Ears peeled
“Appearances are not deceiving” is lesson number one. The second lesson is: “always believe your ears”. If someone is bragging too much, being too loud and constantly looking around after every joke they tell their friends, to see if someone outside the circle heard, then they are idiots. Block them out for the rest of the evening. If someone makes a pass at you and it's more leery than flattering or too corny, then they, too, hit the exit. Be wary of corniness; this is a sign that the guy in question has no personality and lives on everything borrowed. If someone is making a show about their money then that's a sign of insecurity. Ditch such targets too. If you have heard enough and there are more candidates left, move on. If they are boasting about getting shot five times and living and all the genjams they are about to do afterwards, then put the big X next to them as well.

Stage 3: CPR
We don't mean kiss. We mean talk. Slightly misleading, but that's what men do; they mislead. Let the remaining guy make an impression. Remember, using old lines, using pick-up lines and using classic ice-breakers are all signs of a man with no personality of his own. Their first impression is the most important one. Second impressions aren't allowed, unless you are on the far end of the beauty scale. Or weight scale. Just kidding. Not really.

If the guy talks about himself more than he listens to you, he is self-obsessed. It's ok for a girl to talk a lot about herself; movies tell us its endearing. While talking, remember to differentiate between shy and sociopath. They are not the same thing. See how the guy interacts with others around you, to make sure. Physical contact, flattery and flat out flirting are all fine but then if he cozies up too soon or is all out aggressive, its time to dump him. James Bond was never the ideal boyfriend.

If someone passes through all the stages, then congratulations; you may just have found Mr. Right and later you may realise his first name is Always. See what I did there? Overusing an old joke is fine when done cleverly, as displayed. The dating scene is harsh and hard but if you shovel through the waste well enough, you may find the gem that was mistakenly swallowed and dumped with the rest. Or, you may just walk into 50 Cent in disguise.



 

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