5 Ways To Annoy The *Bleep* Outta People

AH, such boring, useless life you have. Just think about it: your typical daily routine usually consists of school, coaching, hitting on girls/guys (and failing miserably), coaching, putting on make-up/ hair gel… and more coaching.

So, from now on, make yourself more useful by annoying others. Annoying others is an art; master it, and you might just end up being worth something in life. Here are 5 foolproof techniques to annoy the *bleep* out of people.

Love Birds
Lovebirds tend to be jittery idiots and hence are easy candidates for harassment; the best spot to pick would be Chandrima Uddyan and Dhanmondi Lake. Stand at a safe distance, and scream out 'BHAIYYA/APU TUMI EKHANE KENO? I'M TELLING MOM!' You might think that this won't work, but as said before, lovebirds are jittery idiots. They'll have a panic attack, and then realise that they don't know you - they probably don't even have siblings. Alternately, get a little close to a particular couple and stare with your mouth hanging open. For obvious reasons, this method might backfire on guys.

Try to convince people that Marilyn Manson works for the greater good
The words Marilyn Manson is enough to annoy a lot of people, let alone ardent claims of him working for greater good *khik khik*. See how absurd the words Marilyn Manson and greater good seem when put in the same sentence? For safety reasons, be sure to halt the aggravation process before your test subject goes into killer mode.

'I used to be your friend *sniff*! But now…' (Run away wailing at the top of your lungs)
This will catch anyone off guard and will annoy them to no ends. Turn up uninvited at someone's party, refuse to leave, eat up half the food and force them to let you take part in the party games. If you lose, screech out the words quoted above and run away wailing.

Whine, whine and away…
You probably do this anyways, but you quite obviously fail to grasp the annoying capacity of whining. If you're a rich daddy's princess, whine about your parents not allowing you to buy the 5th pair of Tk.7000 stilettos this month, if you get a GPA of 4 in your report card, whine about not scoring full marks on Physics because the teacher hates you… you get the general idea, right?

Be a condescending jerk
This approach works without fail and is the easiest of the lot. All you have to do is sprinkle your conversation with 'Bujhonai? (The doubt in your tone should be evident) and snap your fingers at people's faces. Act as if everyone but you is an abomination to humanity, and that you have been sent by the Almighty to show the nitwits the path to awesomeness.

By Sarwat Yunus

Feel the need to lie to your parents as to why you showed up just at four a.m. with that foolish oops look on your face? Need to find an excuse quick? Well... We gots the answer.

Get Punched. Professionally. For only 99.99 we can give you a trademark designer black eye (or if you prefer, that cowardly just got beaten up by a fat chick look).

For that distinctive mugged look to save grace from irked parents, Call 0171-ShamimKicksYOButt.

Do YOU want to feel good about yourself? Do YOU want to know that whatever wrong you did does not stick anymore because you've paid your dues? Do YOU want a cool scar? Do YOU want to Get Punched? Call 0171- ShamimKicksYOButt and get your masochistic dreams fulfilled! (Discount rates available according to anatomy).

Do YOU have someone who deserves to be punched (IN THE THROAT)? Do YOU want to see someone weep inconsolably while you pay us the Benjamins? Do YOU want someone to Get Punched? Call 0171-ShamimKicksYOButt and get your sweet, sweet revenge on that ex (Charges apply to any extra punches thrown, punches pulled will not be refunded).

In our delectable list of offerings, we include:
1) The ShamimKicksYOButt Regular,
2) The Get Punched Special

And our very own:
3) Krispy Krunch Punch (with special SFX if you're willing to pay us more)

For those of you who need to remember this as the high point of your life when you finally asserted your manhood by getting into a (choreographed) fight, we offer photo services. Get Your Sorry Bruised Butt Framed. Charges apply.

AANNNDD. Lest we forget, the beguiling story about how, Get Punched, a small time payback business started in the region of Uttara in BD, went global with almost cult like growth. ShamimKicksYOButt has become synonymous with almost every incidence of vengeance, personal assault and legal cases brought to court for bodily harm. And in all of that, Get Punched maintained a strong upward growth. Watch, today on The National Punchographic and The Punch Planet , Punch Discovery and Star Punch, the unique business model that exploited people's need to get punched and how Get Punched became the new *Bleep* You.

By Tareq Adnan
Illustration: ER Ronny

Speak up! Stop discrimination

Manusher Jonno Foundation has been working tirelessly since 2002 to promote human rights in Bangladesh through various partner organisations. Currently, they are affiliated with 124 partner organisations all over the country.

Across the world, there are countless human rights activists who soldier on despite their line of work causing hardships and problems to them and their families. Although some human rights activists are well known, most receive no recognition for their self-sacrificing endeavours.

This December 10, on Human Rights Day, Manusher Jonno Foundation has organised an award ceremony, the 'Manusher Jonno Human Rights Awards' that will recognise and celebrate thirteen hitherto anonymous but invaluable human rights activists, chosen by an independent jury from forty-five possible candidates. The awards ceremony will be held at the open space adjoining the Dhaka University's Registrar Building, and to ensure the maximum exposure of this noble cause, the function will be telecast live by Desh.TV.

The function will begin at 3 pm, with the inaugural speech to be delivered by Shaheen Anam, Team Leader of Manusher Jonno Foundation. This will be followed by the award presentation, after which the distinguished guests will deliver their speeches.

The chief guest will be Finance Minister AMA Muhit, and the other guests include Amnesty International Secretary General Irene Khan, Senior Program Manager of HD and Governance Advisor DFID Daniel Davis, Vice Chancellor of Dhaka University AAMS Arefin Siddique, and Manusher Jonno Foundation Governing Board Chairman Syed Manzoor Elahi.

The speeches will be followed by a 'Shangit Utshob' featuring artistes such as Sabina Yasmin, Fahmida Nabi, Krishnokoli, Shantanu Bishwash, Bappa Majumdar, Partho Barua and Dolchhut, among many others.